Passing Control

Revealing our souls and our energy. This is part 4 of my new series- The Heart of the Matter- chronicling my journey to and through Mitral Valve Replacement.

Why can’t I control my tears, damn it? I think this as they roll me into the room. The Procedure Room felt messy but it wasn't. It was white and full of equipment. There were x-ray machines of every sort and a weird C-shaped chair that I couldn’t quite figure out how one would sit in and not slide off. There were several metal shelving units with storage bins of gauze, syringes, wires, boxes with smaller boxes, and all labeled with a letter-number system I couldn’t understand. 

That's when the tears started. I wasn’t crying, it was just random tears falling from my eyes as though they were pushed out by some force I couldn’t see or feel. The anesthesiologist touched my arm, We got you, Momma. I smiled. I liked Amy the moment I saw her in Holding. She and I made direct eye contact. The kind where you look past someone’s eyes and into their souls.

There aren’t a lot of people in the medical field that I have been able to do that with. They have a shield up. If you push too hard, you bump into it. I find it interesting. My life and well-being are in your hands. I gotta feel your energy before I let you help me. Amy let me be human and didn’t presume she knew what I was thinking.

Laine, the nurse, came over and touched my hand. It's a simple procedure. There is nothing to worry about. And there it was. It has happened several times in this process - someone presuming to know how I am feeling. It triggers me, deeply. Do not presume to know, ask me. Talk with me. Make the effort to find out, show me I am important enough for you to invest in. 

I’ve been practicing for moments like this- when I start to feel unstable and emotional. My emotions are valid, they are my body’s reaction to a situation. I can’t control Laine, but I can control me. I start my 4x4 breathing. In for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. The tears slow to a trickle. A peace settles within me.

I wasn’t worried about the procedures. These tests, the TEE and Cath, would be uncomfortable and yes, there is always a risk when you “go under '' but that was not why the tears were falling. It was something else. As I breathe, my thoughts come quicker. I sat for a minute. Nurses continued to hook things up, beeps of different variations started filling the white space. Then I realized why the tears were falling.

I am not scared. I know I will be fine. It's the results. Knowing what will be discovered and knowing this is the last round of tests before we talk about surgery. Big surgery. 

Laine doesn’t respond, she just gives a quick nod. Her shield is up.

Another person walks in. She is pushing a monitor dangling with white and black tools attached by gray wires. She doesn’t introduce herself, but asks to see my wristband and scans it. She asks for my name and date of birth. Then starts fiddling with her machine. It is apparent this machine is her domain. No one speaks to her and she speaks to no one. Minutes tick by. Laine and two other nurses are behind a half-wall with a large window. They are discussing something. Someone turns on music, Taylor Swift. I think of my daughter, on her way home for Spring Break. More tears.

Echo Girl? Laine comes out from behind the safety of the windowed half wall. Echo Girl? She is talking to the woman with the machine and wires. Echo Girl turns around. 

Are you talking to me? 

Yeah, what’s your name?

Sarah. 

Okay, thank you.

I look at Echo Gi- Sarah’s name tag. She is the Echocardiogram Tech. I realize what the monitor and wires are. She has been standing six inches from me for the last 20 minutes. I decided to test her energy.

They call you Echo Girl?

I guess. I am new here. No one really knows me.

It's nice to meet you, Sarah.

You too. Here, I need to put this around you. She drapes kelly green elastic attached to a kelly green mouth guard with a hole in the middle of it around my neck. Once you're out, we will put this in your mouth to guide the tube down your throat.

‘Kay.

Sarah has a shield too.

Another 15 minutes tick by. No one has bothered to tell me what is going on. I am just in a bed, connected to miles of wires, all beeping at different times. I sigh and look at Sarah.

Is everything okay? Do you know why it's taking so long?

Sarah glances around.

They are probably just waiting on the doctor or something. She turns back to her beloved monitor. I don’t think she is doing anything but attempting to look busy and avoid me.

Amy appears from somewhere behind me. She walks behind the half wall of glass and says something to Laine, then leaves the room. Less than five minutes later she is back. She comes to me and touches my arm. I called for the doctor. There is no reason to keep you waiting like this. Amy for president.

Dr. Cardio comes in. I like him, even though he looks past my right shoulder when he talks to me. He has an incredible memory. He remembers that my mom came with me to the last appointment, he remembers the very point that I got upset at our first appointment, and he remembers that I am a runner and swimmer. He also knows where the tissue is kept in every room. He can magically reach for them and give it to me, without his eyes deviating from whatever is just past my right shoulder. His detailed memory is one of compassion. His energy is clean and steady. He says hello to me, and has a quick exchange with Sarah. Then Laine appears. She gives a command that I can’t remember, and everyone stops.

This is Heather Stark. Birthdate (yadda yadda yadda). We are here for a TEE. She says something else but I don’t remember it. I am strangely comforted by this process. 

Amy is by my side again. She has two syringes in her hand. She looks into my soul and says, We are going to start now. I blink, breathing deeply. Okay. She injects her potions into my IV. I can’t help but stare at her face as she leans over me. I know she can feel it, but I can’t stop staring. I pass control of my body to Amy, Dr. Cardio, Laine, and Echo Girl, I mean, Sarah. 

As soon as Amy finishes Laine appears with a triangle pillow. We are going to put this under you, so we need to sit you up. I look at her like she is insane. I already feel Amy’s elixirs working. I think to myself, What a stupid request, Laine. I got drugs and they feel good. Like hell I’m sitting up– and I am out. Hope Laine had help getting that triangle under me.

I woke up. I’m still in the crowded, beeping, white room. Amy and Sarah have been replaced by two short, husky men. René and Jorge.

Laine stands at my feet and gives that same command that stops everybody.

This is Heather Stark. Birthdate (yadda yadda yadda). We are here for a Left Catheterization. 

Round 2. Here we go.

René steps close to me. He now has control of things. We are doing the cath now, Heather. I’m gonna tie your arm down. A memory flares in the back of my head. When I was in high school I went to a friend’s house for a family dinner, only his family wasn’t there. He ties my hands up, his smile is evil. That was when the anorexia took over control of my body.

I look at René, I can tell he sees me, he feels my energy shift. He gives a slight frown. He moves a bit slower with gentle intention. We will untie it as soon as we are done. Promise.

4x4x4x4 I stare at René. He looks back at me and reveals his compassionate soul. His eyes are wide and honest. 

Laine comes to my side. Heather, we have to prepare your groin, just in case. I am going to lift your gown and cover you then René will prep the area.

They lift my gown to reveal my maroon underwear, Laine has to pull it down. 

René does whatever he has to do. I realize there is a rag-sized towel taped over my nether region. Somewhere within me, I feel the tug of embarrassment.

Then René is in my face. Heather, your arm is going to feel some stinging, like when a dentist gives you novocaine.

It felt like novocaine.

A sharp, cold pain all the way up my right arm. 4x4x4x4. The pain lessens. I continue breathing in fours.

René and Jorge converse with Dr. Cardio. 

Here we go. 

No, nothing. 

Gonna have to dilate it.

Heather, it's going to feel like novocaine again.

4x4x4x4

There it is.

Okay, yes good. 

I close my eyes. I don’t remember finishing. But Laine is there. She tells me they are done and she is going to pull the tape off of my “area.”  She covers me back up. I remind her about my underwear. She says we will fix it in Holding. I don’t remember being wheeled back, but suddenly I am in Holding. Husband by my side. Nurse, patient, husband, bed, wires, and beeping. All encased in three light blue curtains.

Laine tells Husband she has to pull my underwear up. I have trouble lifting myself so she can pull. The underwear is crooked. I start laughing, what the hell am I going to do but laugh? I tell Laine, Here is the highlight of your day when Patient number 1’s underwear got caught on her rump.

Laine almost smiles. It's all good. She succeeds in the underwear tug-o-war and disappears through the curtain.

Adam, my Holding nurse, appears. I met him earlier. He has a son and daughter in high school. He is small, thin, and forever cheerful. He moves like a bee, buzzing around me. He keeps saying my name as he frees me from one wire after another. His soul is pure.

He’s at my right wrist. Okay, I am going to pull out the cath and place this pressurized cuff that has to stay on for an hour. I will check it every 15 minutes and slowly let some pressure out. Okay?

Okay.

He pulls out the cath, applies pressure, then puts the cuff on. It's a quick exchange. I am thankful that part is over. 

You can have coffee now, want some?

God, yes.

It's the best bad hospital coffee I have ever had, presented in the smallest styrofoam cup ever made. Its warmth pushes out the pain of the cath. I concentrate on my throat, no pain, no roughness. I am pleasantly surprised. I figured that would be the thing that hurt, not my arm. I am halfway through my tiny cup of Savior Coffee when Dr. Cardio comes in. 

His eyes settle on the right upper corner of my pillow. The TEE showed us that you are in a severe condition. The upper part of your heart is very enlarged. We knew that. However, it also showed that the lower part of your heart is dilated, which I suspected. It will continue to get bigger because your heart is working so hard. You will most probably need a valve replacement. 

Wait. I interrupted. The reins of control are back in my hands and I pull hard to stop the conversation. Replacement, not repair? Originally you had said repair.

I didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but I did. I blame Amy’s potions.

Yes, although more is involved in a replacement, it is a straightforward surgery. Repair is a search around and fix, replacement is not.

This is the result I knew was coming. I am not surprised, just a bit defeated. Tears fall. Dr. Cardio’s eyes never leave my pillow as he hands me a tissue.

This is the time to do it. When you are still healthy.

It will be through the chest? My right hand makes a slicing motion down my chest.

He nods, Yes. It is severe. It will be through the chest. Dr. Surgeon’s office will call you within the next 10 days to schedule an appointment. Heather, it’s a good thing you are healthy. All your exercise has helped your heart get this far.

I don’t tell him that the other cardiologist from 10 years ago said it was years of overexercise and self-starvation that started me on this journey. However, healthy exercise and eating helped me. At least there’s that.

This is when I fade out. I pass control to Husband so he can finish listening for me. 

An hour later Husband is dressing me. I find myself laughing again as we attempt to pull up my pants. Control of my body rests somewhere between him and me. He asks if I want my bra on, Hell no.

Adam tells Husband to get the car, he will meet him at the hospital entrance. I sit in the wheelchair. We chat the whole way to the lobby but I remember nothing. Except for the fact that we left my bra sitting on a chair in Holding. I don't tell Adam, it will be an awkward surprise when he gets back. 

Maybe I can get it when I come back for surgery.

Takeaways:

1. Don’t be afraid to look medical staff in the eyes. You deserve to know who you are passing control to. 

2. Get to know your medical staff, energy works both ways. 

3. Confronting past trauma is required when healing your body.

4. Emotions are your body’s reaction to a situation. (For me) The best response is to breathe through them. It's spiritual magic.

5. Assuming you know how someone feels dismisses their lived experiences. 

6. Get yourself a doctor who remembers details about you and can always find the tissue.

7. Underwear and bras are awkward and pointless in a hospital.